On September 5th I took this...
WOO HOO and a wee bit nerve racking... See, we still live with my parents and i wasent sure how this was all going to work out - but we love a wonderful and giving God, so i gave my worries to Him.
I was expecting to get my monthly "not so friendly" and from the get go i felt strange.. I told my mom and i didnt feel right , but thought it was my period i was unfortunately expecting. I went out to lunch with a friend and her kids and told her that i didnt feel right. I told her this period was going to be horrible. I usually get it between the 5th and the 9th... i woke up on the 5th and just felt the need to know - and there they were - the 2 lines ;)... I had a permanent smile on my face all morning long while waiting for my hubby to get home for lunch. Noon finally came, Gabe came home and i directed him upstairs to the bathroom... He came down with a big smile on his face - i proceeded to pull the "How in the world did this happen?" He then proceeded to tell me "Seriously, you have been on a baby kick for months now..." Oh....... ;)
We decided to keep it to ourselves for a few days then take the test again, but if you know me you know that it is impossible for me to keep THIS secret....... so........ when i went to see my favorite little premie in the hospital i spilled the beans to his mama. When my sister and brother in law came by to drop off their dog so they can take the kids for a much needed weekend away, i spilled the beans again. Then to my mom and dad, the to all of Gabe's family, then to all my friends, Church and finally on facebook... all within 2 days of finding out... I know me... there was no way this was going to stay under wraps..
So i called a doctor who went to our church and who several of my friends go and see and love. I knew i would probably be able to get it pretty quickly. OH, and i had no idea how far along i was - not a clue, thus wanting very badly to get into the doctors.. I waited and grew - which was so strange. I no longer had the ability to hold in (that's right ;) my belly. The bump was there and there was nothing i could do about it. I got my maternity clothes back from friends. Got them washed and hanged up. Started having dreams of it being a girl - which is strange, we *all except Cora* agreed that another boy would be wonderful...
Finally my appt came, we had an ultrasound, found out that i was only 6 weeks and 3 days (with a bump) and that there was indeed a little miracle in there. We got *her* first picture. Dr W told us that for the most part we were out of the clear for a miscarriage, so that was good news. We were told that the baby's due date was June 15 or 16th (Eli's birthday is the 16th and he was beyond stoked) We were all excited. The idea of 4 was thrilling... We talked about it with the kids, showed them videos on different stages of the way a baby develops and talked about gender and names... We were getting more excited - even though it was still pretty early.
I started showing so fast. I asked my Dr if this was normal - he said "It's your 4th, so yea". It was becoming so real to me. I have several sweet friends who are due in December and one due in January and i was for sure that i would pass them all up before their wonderful little one's join us.... i have no middle and with my past 3 pregnancies i was all. all. all. belly.. it was insane. Anyways, I was telling everyone at this point and a bit proud of my belly.On Sunday November 6th i woke up and got ready, woke the kids up and got them ready. We had a special visitor speaking at our Church and we were excited to hear him. About 15 min before we had to leave i noticed something wasnt right. I went up to the bathroom and found blood. I yelled for Gabe. I decided to go to Church and hold it together. Well, if you know me at all ;) you know that THAT didnt happen. I started cramping and decided to sit with the kids through the greeting time. 2 friends came to say hi and to see what's going on with me. I told them and started to tear up. More ladies came and i started to cry. One of them prayed over me and it was so comforting. My doctor was at church and we spoke to him. He was able to get me in the next day. He also was comforting and told me to rest. We went to our Bible Study that night (cause if i am uncomfortable i would rather be uncomfortable and talking to wonderful friends, then being uncomfortable by myself). I received prayer and had some great discussions. Later that night i woke up and bled more then i have ever bled in my life. I was in so much pain and there was so much blood, i sort of knew what was going on. I went back to bed and slept. We woke up and waited to get our appointment time. My nurse called me and we went in at 11am. We were both doing ok, Gabe was making me laugh and i had peace in my heart. We were called back to the ultrasound room. Got ready. The tech came in and started. The moment "I" came up on the screen i knew. I started crying, she was so sweet and kind. She kept saying bless your heart. My heart was broken and there was No baby heart beat, nothing but a white cloud which was a clot. This is sort of hard to explain, but even though i was sad and my heart felt broken, i still had peace. I felt comforted by the ultrasound tech, my husband ,our Doctor and by the Lord. I knew i had people i loved praying for us. I knew we loved and had faith in a True and Amazing God. We left after receiving sweet words from our Doctor. I cried in the car, i called my sweet sister and received comforting words from her and a sweet reminder of our Lords love and the knowledge that this little one is with Nana now. We arrived at home, i received comfort from my mom while Gabe went down stairs to tell Eli and Cora. Eli was the one we were concerned about. After Gabe told him, he came up to me and hugged and told me he was sorry and that he loved me. He has such an amazing and compassionate heart. Cora hugged me and told me she was sorry, but in her very Cora way - very blunt and right to the point. I do love that about her.
I received very sweet and loving messages from dear friends and found out alot of friends have already gone through this.. I received encouraging words, prayer, hugs, tears, meals and coffee ;)... I felt loved and special. That week was strange. I was up and down. I was sad, there were tears but my heart was good. We took three weeks off of school so my body could heal. In those three weeks i felt healing. I was never mad - i did have moments of frustration - for example, i was looking through my closet and noticed all of my maternity clothes hanging up. I had a moment and ripped all of them off the hangers and threw them to the floor. I pulled myself together, prayed and then looked on the floor at all the clothes and started crying cause now i have a huge mess and no where to put them.. Silly things like that would happen, then i would get over it. My sister asked me "Isnt it good to know that you didnt do anything to cause this? That God knew this little one would be his when He created the world." YES!!! Yes, it does. I have pondered and held this thought so close to my heart. I love this thought. Knowing this makes my heart smile. Knowing that this little one is with the Lord of Lord's and with Nana ;)....
I tell people when they ask me how i am doing that i am doing well... i really am doing well. I have 3 kids who Gabe and I have been completely blessed with, who are healthy and sweet (most of the time ;).... We have so much to be thankful for. We on a whole are doing well. I have a friend who just - JUST - went through this a couple of weeks before i did, who i get to talk to and be sappy with ;). Most of all I get to have a relationship with a God who loves me more than i can ever understand. A God who forgives me unconditionally. A God who know's every tear I shed and gathers it. A God who is merciful and who is patient, kind and understanding.
The week of loosing our little one, a dear friend sent a song to us - an Indonesian song translated into English.
Here is it:
This song brought great comfort to me and my kids. We don't know the melody to it so Eli and Cora made their own up. All of a sudden Eli asked if we could name the baby Joy and sing "Our Baby Joy is in Heaven". I thought about it, asked some friends who have gone through this if they put a name to their little one - and most of them have. So.... we now have a baby Joy who we get to meet when we arrive in Heaven, a little one who is in the arms of our Lord. Its a sweet thought - it makes the baby real to our kids. Cora constantly asks me to explain to her what happened. I tell her the same story over and over again - she tells me she doesnt understand - i tell her, neither do we.
Eli has a pen pal in California who he has been writing to for over a month now. She wrote to him and asked if he was an only child. He wrote to her and told her about his sisters and about the baby. She wrote back interested in the baby. He received that letter after we lost the baby. He then wrote and told her what happened and that he was sad. He told her we named the baby Joy, but if it were a boy - he likes the name Isaiah. He wrote that even though he was sad, God will make him happy - or something like that ;) he sent it off before i could copy it down. It was a sweet letter though.
This is all for now... I have been writing this for a week now and need to get it posted... I do thank you all for you prayers, words and love towards us.
2 comments:
that was a beautiful post, Kiley! Our God is so good to comfort us in so many different ways when we need it! Hugs!
Aw Kiley. This makes me so so sad. I love your heart and how willing you were able to share your experience. Thanks so much for sharing. Much love to you, as your family continues to heal.
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