My Strength is Weak

A few things on my mind.........

Its December 20th, and since the beginning of this month till now 4 babies have been born. I knew this moment would come. I knew these wonderful girls couldnt hold them in forever, i knew i would cry, i knew i would miss "her", i just never ever expected to not be ok with it. To feel sad, heart broken, and at times angry all over again - or it just never left.....

I held the first one at a week old and held it together so well. I was actually very proud of myself - also knowing that the Lord was with me. The moment i was in my car and driving away from their house my heart sank. The whole 20 min drive home - by myself - my heart was in pain. All of that next week i was down, sad and a bit upset. My kids saw it, my husband knew it. That week Gabe and I were taking a meal to the same wonderful family and i forgot to take the meat out of the freezer to defrost it. I became overwhelmed and mad. My mom tried to help and i lost it. I went up stairs, mom followed. She helped me realize that i am still grieving (i am great at fooling myself) and that i try to push it away. I do tell EVERYONE that i am good to go. Most times......... most of the most times ;) i am "good to go". My heart still hurts though. The worst part about it is that my relationship with the Lord is suffering through all of my "hurt"....

My mother leads a woman's bible study which i go to. This is the first bible study that i have loved getting up early for. I am by far the youngest and the majority of the woman are widow's. They are a huge comfort to me. Anyhow, my mom went on a tangent - if you will - and talked about how women like to keep most sufferings and sin to themselves. She kept going and going - sharing her experiences, her sin, scripture - i wish i would have written some down - i did not, i was so consumed with it all. I could have added my name, my sin, my experience in everything she was saying - she's one smart cookie....

I'm in a place of knowing God is here ,being able to speak to Him , praying for help, thanking Him for things along the way, and feeling distance all at the same time. I don't understand. Even now, writing this i have a pain inside that i can't explain. I have tears in my eyes because a part of me feels embarrassed and another part feels confused.

I have a sweet and wonderful friend who i have not called yet, a friend who every time she does call asks how my walk with the Lord is... A question i have not wanted to be asked... not because she would judge me, she loves me - that i know. I just didnt want to verbally admit it. She texted me to tell me that her and her husband have been praying for me/us. I then grew the courage to text her and tell her that i am struggling spiritually. She wrote back with this verse - Psalms 42:5-6 = "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."
That mended pieces of my heart back together. I need to call her.

Another friend here who just went through this a few weeks before i did asked me when the last time i read my bible was.... i couldn't remember....

One of the dear girls -who had a baby this month- is a very good friend of mine. One who get's me talking. One who takes care of me when i need it . She covers me with love. She prays for me alot. She makes me pies ;) Anyhow, i just saw her baby last week and held it together for as long as i could. I started crying with her, told her that i felt alone. How in the world could i feel alone??? I have the worlds best parents, sister, husband, kids, friends - near and far. One friend who i love dearly whom i have never even met and a God who love's me unconditionally - even when i am not so easy to love... but, still i felt alone. My sister told me that she was talking to a friend who has lost a baby and she said that she felt alone, cause everyone was able to continue on with their lives and she was still dealing with the emotional pain. Its a lonely place to be in - how much more lonely would this be without the Lord.... You would have to numb to everything i think..... Unbearable.....

I took the kids out to get ornaments a few weeks ago. Eli picked out a car, Cora a ballerina (of course) and Charlie going back and forth between Big Bird, A Dog, and a Cat finally decided on a Snow Man made of ice. As we were getting ready to leave the ornament isle, out of the corner of my eye i spotted the word JOY all in red and white.. One of those old fashion looking ones... and once the kids noticed it they went crazy... Its been a few days since Joy has been mentioned and my heart was sad over that. This excitement over this simple ornament with our dear baby's name on it brought great Joy to my heart.. I thanked the Lord for this sweet piece of plastic - the last one left, the one i want to think i would of picked out of a hundred Joy's.... Thank You Lord..



I decided a few weeks ago that i did not want to do Christmas Cards. I didnt want to bother with taking pictures and putting together a card... I started praying that the reason behind me not wanting to do this be a good one and not a hard hearted one.. Well, turns out it was a hard hearted one - so i dressed the kids up in their Christmas outfits and took them out back by the wood pile, since that was the only place in the yard that had shade and let them play with leaves... It was actually alot of fun. I then found a sweet card on Walmarts website that was red with white snow flakes and had the verse of Nehemiah 12:43 - Rejoice with Great JOY! ( i know this isnt the "real" verse, but it summed it up). How perfect of a card..

One more thing before i wrap this blog post up...... 2 weeks ago this coming Christmas Eve, our wonderful 8 year old son proclaimed Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior... It was amazing to watch and to be apart of. More on that later ;)

Had to add this last picture in as well... My much adored friend whom i love and couldnt imagine my life without. She is a kindred spirit, a girl who i can be honest with, a girl who i laugh with and occasionally cry with ;) gave this little lady? Yea, let's go with lady - gave this little lady to me. I like her.... Thanks Friend...